2010 started for me on a low, my grandparents were in Australia, I didn’t sleep and I lived off crisps and nothing more thanks to the kind people at Walkers Twitter HQ. In February I took a stand and joined Slimming World and whilst everyone thought oh here she goes again, 7 stone later I proved them wrong. I got the all clear to go without steroids after my op, I got splints for my wrists and I made a start.  I started to grow closer to a friend I had pushed away and I finished my A levels. I went to Zante and I enjoyed the sun. I learnt to trust men again and I now have the bestest friend in the world. He moved to Leeds and helped to rebuild bits of me that were lost long ago.I’m now happy to have my photograph taken when before I was ashamed of who I was. I found the courage to go back into work albeit as a christmas temp but it was a positive step. Sure 2010 threw some real shit at me, but it gave me some wonderful things too. Here is to another amazing 12 months x

That it doesn’t hurt to know that I am not enough. To know that try as I might I will never give you all the happiness and smiles that you deserve.

I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to know you are in inner turmoil.

I won’t pretend that I don’t struggle to say make your own mind up instead of screaming ‘pick me’

But I don’t need to pretend that I will always be here, I can say that with certainty and with passion and with love. Times have been hard, times have been shit but they brought me to a new place and I wouldn’t swap that place for a million pounds. It might not always be happy and smiles it might even involve tears at times, but I know that having you as my friend was worth all the battles and trouble in the end.

I can handle the world, when I know your by my side.

Today has been a mixture of emotions; good to bad, happy to sad.

It was my last day at Clinton’s today, having spent the last 3 years convincing myself that I didn’t want to work, that I couldn’t work because of my back, I have shocked myself, because I absolutely loved working again, it was something fresh and new and enjoyable and I am going to miss it. It gave me routine and a reason to get up and out of the house but it also allowed me to be me, and be bubbly and chatty and to have a giggle .

After work I went to my Uncle’s Wake. I didn’t attend the funeral, I haven’t quite decided yet whether that makes me a bad person or not but I know that I am not strong enough for that, and that it would cause me turmoil in the long run. I still wanted to show my respects so I sent some flowers and attended the wake, it was lovely to catch up with family who I haven’t seen for a while. Even if my mum was drunk and my cousin Kim cried and my nan cried too. I can handle most things but seeing my nan cry breaks my heart every time. I have never been to a wake before and whilst I expected the tears I didn’t expect the laughter that came as we talked about my uncles rubbish driving and how journeys with him were like white knuckle terror rides. It stopped as soon as we were all in our cars, most people know I am a spiritualist and I really do feel like it was a sign of him saying goodbye.

I am home now feeling just empty. On an opposite to the emotion I have also been given a job interview at Sainsbury’s in the new year, i didn’t answer the call but the guy left a voicemail, I suppose that’s a positive. .

Until we meet again, I will carry you in my heart forever x

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
“Come to Me”

With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
he only takes the best


Today has been a good day and also a day tinged with sadness.

To start with today is day one of the spa trip that I won. After a few issues with the trains we finally made it to Champneys Springs and were given a tour of the building shown to our room before our first treatment. The water is full of minerals and salts and then jets work on problem areas of your body such as stomach and thighs, to break down the toxins. It felt amazing although I am a water baby anyway and love to be in the pool.

We then went for our evening meal in the restaurant. Starter was Plaice and Salmon roulade with king prawns and lemon with herb dressing. Main meal was sliced chicken breast on a bed of basil mash with baby corn and red wine jus. Pudding was apple and berry crumble with a vanilla cream sauce. All was lovely.

I am now laid in bed feeling tired, lonely and a little bit down in the dumps. Some of you remember a few weeks ago my uncle had a stroke, things were looking up and whilst he still had no feeling and mobility he was alert and talking and happy and joking. Things however took a turn for the worse last night when he had another major stroke. The doctors have now decided to withdraw any medical treatment and we have been told he will not make it through the weekend. He is an amazing man who I am proud to have had in my life, its just so hard to try and enjoy myself when I know that when I get back home he may not be there anymore x

We'll wait in line
For most our lives
Get out get in
Get on with it
We always hurt the ones we never really loved
We always think we're all alone we're always
We're always broke
The words we say take different shapes
We'll live and die with all the things we recognize
We'll count our sins
Stop now begin
We know the words are better left unspoken
When they'll be right in
To tear the heads off of us
The words we say
Take different shapes
And you can only do so much
To try to get your point across
I'll live and die with all the things i recognize
I'll count my sins
Stop now begin

I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes, when you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you, pull me out in time
Don't let me drown, let me down
I say it's all because of you
And here I go, losing my control
I'm practicing your name
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right to look you in the eye
Let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time to tell you why
I say it's infinitely true
Say you'll stay, don't
Come and go like you do
Sway my way, yeah
I need to know all about you
And there's no cure and no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired, I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now it all turns sour
Come sweeten every afternoon

Take a look around yourself and tell me what you see.

I have come to the firm conclusion that some people I know are just selfish, not just a little selfish but selfish to the core. Incapable of thinking about anyone or anything but themselves. Forgetting completely that the world doesn’t revolve around them and actually exists past the end of their nose.

This is a bit of a rant but meh, what the hell. Take a look around yourself and tell me what you see? Do you see the blessing in the fact you have your health and that your family are all well and healthy. What about the fact you have a family to even care about? Don’t take for granted what you have because it sadly won’t always be around.

Be thankful for your health. Be thankful for your family. Be thankful for your children. Be thankful your alive!

Be thankful that life gave you the opportunities to have what you have. Don’t throw them away like they mean nothing because there are people who would kill for half the chance to have a family or be fully  healthy, me included.


I am going away for a while
I'll be back don't try and follow me
I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm tryin' to find my place
It might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes,
And run from them
With no direction
We'll run from them
With no conviction

It’s that time of the year again where my mood plummets and I get down and lonely and miserable, and where the world sucks. It’s easy to blame it on my depression, but it isn’t just depression that is to blame. I am pretty sure I have SAD (Seasonal anxiety disorder) there are so many things related to this time of year that I cannot help but dwell on them, and like ghosts they haunt me every year.

Theres the xmas of 2003 when at only just 16 my parents allowed me to drink 10 pints of lager then they left me in the pub with their friends while they went home. One of my stepdads friends offered to walk me home as I was a little worse for where, needless to say we didn’t walk towards my house but towards his, where he then tried it on. Despite me not doing anything and sharply sobering up and heading home, my mum didn’t believe me and punched me in the face, telling me I had ruined christmas. From then on I was a disappointment and labelled a slag by my step dad.

The following November I had gone to live with Ste by then. It was the first time he ever hit me and I remember it clearly, him punching me and then throwing the vacuum cleaner at me, he then told me to get out of the house and so my grandparents came to pick me up, despite the blueish tint on one side of my face, nobody knew he had hit me. A couple of weeks later I was admitted to hospital with an ovarian cyst and internal bleeding. It was then that I was told I needed my ovary and fallopian tube removed. I was 17 and heartbroken, even more so when they announced that there was extensive damage and they didn’t think I would be able to have children. I had my operation on the 1st December and because I am a stubborn cow who refuses to be ill I was discharged on the 3rd December. How strange to think that all that was 6 years ago.

Despite the fact I had only just gotten out of hospital, and despite the fact I had over 40 staples in my stomach, things didn’t ease off at home and the abuse was still just as bad. On christmas eve my Dad turned up and threw an envelope full of money at me and that was the last time I saw him until just before my 21st birthday. That was the first christmas away from my little brother and I so wanted to go spend it with him and see him open all his presents but I was told no I was not allowed, I had chosen Ste and so that was it.

Christmas in 2005 was one which was filled with tears and depression. Having lost J I was faced with the fact conceiving and carrying a child was something which was unlikely to ever happen, and instead of being heavily pregnant I was empty and hollow. The abuse from Ste still continued and at one point, despite how far apart emotionally we are my mum had to come and rescue me as Ste went beserk attacking me with garden secateurs and an axe as well as his fists. My grandparents had gone to Australia and I went to stay in their house so I could be close to Spud for christmas. At the same time I was having problems with my neighbours where they had tried to set the flat on fire,  by putting a wheelie bin in front on my front door and setting it alight. I had no escape and no release and was quite possibly at the lowest I had ever been at that point.

Moving on to Christmas 2006 I had seperated from Ste and was living in a bedsit in Bradford. I was socialising a hell of a lot and drinking way too much. I won’t deny it either but not long after hitting this low I was taking pills and snorting coke as well. It’s not something I am proud of but it was one of the only ways I could cope. I was a walking time bomb and was soon likely to explode. My grandparents had again gone to Australia and this time I didn’t just stay over at their house, this time I rang up and I asked to move in permanent. I needed to be around people who cared and who could help me get myself back on track and I knew that the only people who would be able to help was my grandparents, how right I was. I spent that christmas with my mum and Dave, who as per usual got drunk and abusive, and that was one of my first mistakes. I sneaked upstairs and I rang Ste, I told him how much I missed him and 2 days later I was back with him. Our relationship was short lived as he decided to sleep with Siobhan, something which I knew about long before I think either of them did.  I continued to see him and we would take drugs together and get drunk. Then I ended up in hospital with pancreatitis and was told I had 12 hours to live. That was a sobering moment which scared me half to death. Several weeks spent in hospital an operation and I had learnt my lesson and have never touched drugs since, and I never will either.

2007 I had stopped working and was faced with the prospect of having no money and no ambition. With amazing timing the debt collectors had started to chase me and I was spiralling out of control again. Self harming was becoming a regular occurrence and instead of using drugs as my choice of self abuse I used sex, I let people who I thought were friends play with my mind and use me for their own personal gain. I started spending a lot of time in Hull trying desperately to escape and yet nothing helped.

In 2008 I had regained contact with my Dad and things were finally looking up Smile I was in college, I was studying I was getting myself back on track. It wasn’t a brilliant christmas but it was better than some of the ones I had previously had. I am not going to keep going on, this wasn’t meant as a woe is me post but as a this is me please understand. I’m not making excuses for being who I am or the way, nor am I asking for sympathy,  I am just hoping that with a little insight into why I am like I am you will not judge me and will understand why when the cold sets in so does the darkness, because I don’t remember a winter where I was truly happy and I am scared that I will never experience one again.



I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid
A thousand nights or more
I travel east and north
Please answer the door
Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
Get down on your knees
Whisper what I need
Something pretty
Something pretty
I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful
Then you tell me...
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
As the train approaches Gare Du Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

Are you gonna
Live your life wonderin’
Standing in the back
Lookin’ around?
Are you gonna
Waste your time
Thinkin' how you’ve grown up
Or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna
Be the way you want
Where's it gonna
Get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna
Be quite what you want
Or even at 25
You gotta start sometime
I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
Now all I need is just
To hear a song I know
I wanna always feel like
Part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight

Your words cut rather deeply,
They're just some other lies
I'm hiding from a distance,
I've got to pay the price
Defending all against it,
I really don't know why
You're obsessed with all my secrets,
You always make me cry
You seem to wanna hurt me
No matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you
But I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me, kinda invisible…
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
I'm not trying to avoid you,
Just don't wanna hear your voice
When you call me up so often,
I don't really have a choice
You're talking like you know me
And wanna be my friend
But that's really too late now,
I won't try it once again
You may think that I'm loser,
That I don't really care
You may think that it's forgotten,
But you should be aware
Cause I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

We all have our insecurities, some more than others. I had done pretty well with my insecurities until recently, when my vulnerabilities have resurfaced.

I’m not quite sure what brought it on, maybe it’s because I have been a little under the weather and a little over tired (Think I managed 10 hours sleep in the past 7 days) and so I am emotional and stressy. Add to that a small argument which saw me reveal some of my inner most thoughts and feelings about my own problems, I find myself requiring constant contact and reassurance. I know I am being a pain in the arse, but I am a worrier anyway and the kind of person who replies to a text in 30 seconds, I know that’s not possible for everyone else, but I find myself now worrying that my constant pestering is probably annoying the fuck out of my friend and beginning to suffocate them putting them off spending time or talking to me. They have already told me they struggle to just talk for the sake of it with me, but right now that’s what I need.

My best friend thinks I am doing really well with my self confidence because I have started talking to old friends again, how wrong they may be. I have reaffirmed my self with people who I do care about and who I know are having problems. I am trying my best to help them with their problems to keep me from worrying about myself or my own problems. I am trying to keep myself busy because I know all too well that if you leave me to my own devices I am my own worst enemy and can destroy myself in seconds. The contact with old friends has been refreshing though to say the least, for the first time in a long while I have felt I don’t need to put all my shit on squidge when he has his own problems. Yet now I have played mender and fixer nobody has the time for me again and I am back to a low point, feeling lonely and over thinking and over-analysing things. :(

I just want to apologise for being such a pain in the arse, I don’t purposefully set out to be that way, but I need someone to be there for me right now, even if it’s just for a hug or a stupid text message to put a smile on my face. I don’t expect you to give me the world, you already are my world and mean so much to me and I’m sorry I’m so shit x

This Monday has been an eventful one, but has by far got to be one of my most favourite Mondays, ever!

This morning I had a job interview for Halfords, it’s part time and I don’t know much about bikes and cars but I’m a quick learner and the job seems perfect for me. I am hoping that the good vibe I got is genuine and should find out on Friday if I got the job or not.

Then it was on a bus to town, i paid for a day rider and he had no paper roll in his machine so gave me a written ticket which on closer inspection turned out to be a single, so I was royally buggered. Then the bus broke down and I had to get a different one so had to buy a proper day rider this time. It was a bit busy and i got barged and ended up hurting my hip, and when you have poorly joints and bones like mine, believe me it hurts.

Ok, I hear you, your wondering why it was so amazing? Well I shall tell you. When I was 14 my dad used to make me cd’s with different artists on. Always rock music types like Blink 182 etc, and the one which became a favourite was Jimmy Eat World. Tonight they played Leeds O2 Academy and I got to go, albeit alone. In the queue I got talking to two lasses Lucy and Leigh who kept me company for the start of the gig.

As Jimmy Eat World came on to the stage there was a surge of people and we got separated, but its ok. The energy in the room was electric with people jumping and diving around loving the music. Let me warn you though, unless your a tough cookie avoid the front middle, I didn’t and I got a bit bashed about but it’s all good. They sung a great mix of their old songs and new ones.

The one song that means the most to me was played live, and it’s the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life. When Ben died and I lost Joshua i took solace in a song called Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World, I quote it a lot but nothing prepared me for tonight. There was something so wonderful about being up close and hearing the group sing those lyrics which meant so much to me, that I found my heart breaking and the tears pouring. At that moment I was glad I was alone, sure there were hundreds of other people in the building, and a few probably had a similar connection with the song but for those 5 minutes I was alone in the place with my emotions and the song, and it was the most spine tingling, breath taking thing I have experienced. I never in a million years thought I would get to experience the song being sung live and I kinda feel like I can let go a little now. I don’t need to feel guilt, but it’s good to feel this amazing sense of relief and passion and love.

I took some pictures and a video, I am hoping they came out ok, I am physically and emotionally exhausted, yet the happiest I have been  in a long long time……..So thank you Jimmy Eat World, you just made my year.


I had intended to write a blog post about how much I hate my body but after reading it and showing it to S I decided against it, as I sat down and calmed down and re-evaluated my feelings and it’s not that I hate myself, it’s that i hate how other people may look at me and judge me. I hate that I care so much about other peoples opinions instead of my own, I have my faults but who doesn’t.

My slimming world consultant would like me to apply to be in the magazine. Something which brings both pride and absolute dread. I am proud of how far I have come on my weight loss journey but am also hugely aware of how far I still have to go. Many people think I am vain because of my posy pictures on facebook, they don’t realise that those few pictures come from almost 7 years of not liking the way I look and not being proud of my pictures, they also don’t realise that those 3 profile pictures are out of over 100 pictures taken. This is where the dread comes in, I don’t have very much confidence and the thought of having my pictures, both before and after in a magazine and having them scrutinized by others petrifies me.

I have a before picture and today I took another picture of me in the same pose, and i couldn’t see a difference, from size 28 to 20 but I couldn’t tell. I was gutted to say the least, and i sat and cried and hated myself, repulsed that there was no difference, but there was. I am so used to being fat, that when I look in the mirror I still see the fat person that I was. I am still fat but not so much.

As humans, we are our own worst critics, where others see perfections and qualities, we see faults and flaws.

I am not perfect and never will be, but my imperfections make me who i am, and hopefully just being me is enough. If people can’t accept me for who I am then bully for them, because I am sure that those who are in my life and who are important to me will testify that although slightly neurotic at times I am selfless, loving and caring, and do all I can for those i love, and being a size 20 or a size 10 will not change that.

I am a huge fan of a website called Ravens Rants. Raven, writes and publishes the most beautiful poetry and I would like to share a couple of my favourites.

In The Dark

There are times when I’m inconsolable
when the world around me becomes too much
and my demons come out to feast on me again
There are times when I’m hopeless
when I’m too lost to return home
and I don’t need your comforting touch
I just need to be left alone to sit quietly in the dark

Don’t offer me a friendly hand
nor a tender embrace of love
Just let me surround myself with shadows
and let my troubles eat me whole
Don’t try to save me when I can’t be saved
and keep your tender words for another day
a day when the tides of my heart have changed
and my soul flows the other way

But until that time remember that I love you
and that you’re still the keeper of my heart
but for the moment love is not my friend
and your tender touch and sweetest smile
are like poison to my aching soul
So let me be
Let me sit alone in the dark
Let me find comfort in forgotten lusts
Let me bandage my heart with solitude
and dry my tears with time

I know that you understand
and I pray that you’ll return
Because I long for when I can emerge from these shadows
and once again cherish the smile glistening
across your sweet, tender face


Where Are You Now?

Sometimes I think of you
and wonder where you are
and if you think of me on lonely nights
or dream about me when there's nothing left to dream
I don't expect you to miss me
and I know the phone will never ring
with your voice hanging on the other line
but I have to know
if I'm in your thoughts
or if you forgot about me
like you promised you never would
I can't bear the thought
of what we shared
being nothing than a footnote
in a forgotten chapter of your life
and even though I only think of you
during the loneliest hours of the night
Part of me is still hoping
that you're thinking of me
when I'm busy not thinking of you
So shed not a tear for what we lost
nor heave a sigh for what could have been
Just let me grace your thoughts
when the night hangs long and low
and everything will be right when we awake
in the worlds we've created
in the many years we've been apart



How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you always look the other way
Finding imperfections
with every living breath
feeding yourself deceit
every night as you lie in bed

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you see only flaws in the diamond
and not the sparkle that it holds
You judge yourself with consequence
tearing down what nature built
and turning it into darkness cold

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you don't look into the mirror
save with tear-streaked eyes
How can you see yourself as I do
when you're peering through a looking glass
warped by doubt and loathing
brewed within your mind

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when your beauty is just too much
and leaves me lost for words
choking on every thought
while trying to explain something so clear
that it is written all over your face

How can I show you
that you're beautiful
when the world is not enough
and a million voices
fail to change your song
unable to silence
the doubt that beats away

No I can't show you
that you're beautiful
No matter how hard I try
But I'll whisper it to you every night
as you drift off to sleep
and hope that one morning
you'll wake up with eyes wide open
and see yourself as I do

A perfect diamond
A stunning reflection
and a ray of sun
piercing my own darkness
taking the clouds away


There are many many more of his poems which I adore but these are just a couple of my favourites, i do hope you enjoy xxxx

 As some of you may know I got a new computer a couple of months ago whilst my Macbook was repaired, it since has been repaired but I lent it to a very good friend to use for a little while and continued with my new trusty toy. A Dell Mini Inspiron.


Now despite the fact I have had this a couple of months I have never really explored it’s potential. I guess I’m a Mac baby at heart and so used to what that had to offer that I found the Windows 7 system a little blah! Well today I have had a fiddle (don’t worry Simon I haven’t broken anything, yet!) and I found a program on the computer which rather than having me log in to and make my posts on there I can simply type it all up, save it if I like ready for future publishings and voila it is simple. It’s also a lot bloody easier to navigate than the blogger system is, which whilst good can be annoying slow and tedious.


so this post is a bit of a test, but also a woohoo, I may be open to change afterall.


Ikkle x

Image courtesy of A.Wall
A friend asked me if I had heard Katy Perry's new song Firework, I said I had and they told me to go listen to it again but pay attention to the lyrics, it was my song. So here it is....

"So take a look outside yourself and tell me what you see, i cant believe that you wont see the change in me, give me strength to find the road thats lost in me give me time to heal and build myself a dream and give me eyes to see the world surrounding me give me strength to be only me" ~ Dido

I could write a hell of a lot about inner strength and how it's taken me a little while to achieve it but recent events including the shitty job situation, poor health and my poor uncle would normally have me spiralling into self destruct and some amazing people have helped me out immensely especially this past week. I've reconnected with old friends who I haven't seen for years, and they have helped instill a piece of me that I thought I had lost forever and I have made friendships with new amazing people who I am genuinely proud to have as friends. 

I thank those who saw in me something I couldn't see in myself and who showed me how to peel away the layers of doubt and worry and just be me. Theres nothing wrong with being me, some people may not want it but tough shit, for the first time in a long time I realise that I am important and that if I put myself 2nd best then everybody else always will too. 

Special thank you to Andy, my oncall shrink, friend and alarm clock. Cat for being the lovely lady she is who listens to my random bleats all the time and finally to G for reminding me who I was back then and who I can be xx

If I havent mentioned you it doesn't mean you don't count, but this isn't a Bafta speech it's just me and my music, letting my voice out.  x
Now perhaps this is a sweeping generalisation of sexism, but as a female I tend to add a 'kiss' to the end of everything. Be it a text message, a tweet or an email. In fact, on some occasions I even use it in the space of a full stop. My male friends however don't always do the 'kiss' thing. On the odd occasion they send a message with one or two, but I'm getting used to the lack of affection in some messages lol. Mind you, I'm the kind of girl who has to use all 140 characters on a tweet and fill every email and text with an essay, whilst many of my male friends are happy with a 2 letter reply like ok or no.

Am I the only person who does this? How do you know when to draw the line at a kiss or as a female is it ok to seal everything with a kiss?

Dani - once again being over analytical.
Well, tonights theme on the X factor was 'guilty pleasures'. A theme which didn't improve the show at all, and personally I thought it was pretty poor. Very few of the song choices could be classed as a guilty pleasure - boring. It did however get me thinking about what musically, is my guilty pleasure. For me there can only be one and it's Pat Benatar. I've posted lyrics from her songs before on here but I absolutely love her songs. 

Here are just a few snippets from my favourites:

Your love is like a tidal wave, spinning over my head
Drownin' me in your promises, better left unsaid
You're the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner, and you know that you were born to be
You're a Heartbreaker
Dream Maker, Love Taker
Don't you mess around with me

Hit Me with Your Best Shot 
Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me
That's O.K., lets see how you do it
Put up your dukes, lets get down to it!
You come on with a "come on", you don't fight fair
But that's O.K., see if I care!
Knock me down, it's all in vain
I'll get right back on my feet again!
Love Is a Battlefield
We are young
heartache to heartache we stand
No promises no demands
Love is a battlefield.

We are strong
no-one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so long
Both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield.

You're begging me to go
then making me stay -
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know
do I stand in your way
Or am I the best thing you've had?
Believe me
believe me
I can't tell you why

But I'm trapped by your love
and I'm chained to your side.
We are young
heartache to heartache we stand
no promises, no demands
love is a battlefield

We Belong
Many times I've tried to tell you
many times I've cried alone.
Always I'm surprised how well you cut my feelings to the bone.
Don't wanna leave you really
I've invested too much time.
To give you up that easy to the doubts
that complicate your mind.

So there you have it, a few guilty pleasures from the deluded and slightly strange mind of mine. The lyrics all sound rather depressing but the songs have the most powerful uplifting effect on me often leaving me in a state of hyperactivity. So what are your guilty pleasures? *musical only please

I have been to the cinema a few times of late, and whilst I have thoroughly enjoyed myself, the movie and spending time with my friend but I still keep thinking about the huge costs,

Now I know nothing about cinemas and how they work or what their overheads are but I find it fascinating. It's not just ticket prices but the high prices we pay for refreshments. We pay over £3 for a drink of coke when at the local supermarket you can buy a 2litre bottle for £1.69. So how do cinemas come up with these prices, or is it simply a case of we are silly enough to pay so they can charge as they please.

This got me thinking about when we recently saw The Social Network movie (a fab film by the way) the theatre sat 170 people plus 13 VIP seats. Now we went on a wednesday so Orange's 241 promotion was in play. Lets imagine all 170 seats sold at £6. That would leave, assuming all 170 people used the Orange Wednesday promo, that 85 people paid. A total of £510. Now assuming all 170 people bought a drink each too that's another £510 minimum. A total income of £1020 not taking into account popcorn, nacho's or the overpriced pick and mix. Or taking into account the cinema near us has a total of 9 screens!

Now I know not all screenings will have full capacity but I really find the potential amazing.

I have had a brilliant night and I readily look forward to my next cinematic experience x
Some of you will be aware I have recently been attending A4E Pathways in the hope of finding work. The organisation is brilliant and is specially formed to help people like myself who have been off work for a long period of time due to illness and disability. Unlike the jobcentre and other such agencies there is no rush and they concentrate on helping you to rebuild and rehabilitate at a speed of your choice. 

I have a fantastic advisor called Nick who helps me with everything he can. When I filled in a CV template for him one thing jumped out at him. My previous experience in a care giving role. Many people have said this kind of role would be perfect for me given my temperement and the fact that I do try my best to look after and help people as much as I can, however I had always brushed the role off as I thought you needed to be qualified to do the position and I wasn't.

Nick managed to enrol me on a 4 day course which acted as an introduction to the role as a Care Assistant giving me a basic understanding of the role as well as some first aid and other experience. I really enjoyed the course and it has helped me make my mind up that the role is definately for me. The agency which ran the course were very positive and upbeat, after passing my assessments they were definate that they would be employing me and I would be given a job. However, they said they would call yesterday to discuss which home I would be going in to and they never did, I thought nothing of it but after my appointment with Nick today it has become apparent that I will not be getting a position with their company. Not through any fault of my own but because despite the agency working with Pathways and knowing all about 'permitted work' they are not willing to be flexible on contracts and can therefore only offer me one of two choices - work 16 hours rather than the 15 permitted and lose over £100 a week income for the sake of £6.25 or work on a Chameleon basis which could mean I get no shifts for weeks on end and then 2 or 3 the next week. Neither of them are possibilities for me, I need structure and a fixed contract and they new so from the start. This left me rather upset and disappointed that they had made such empty promises that they couldn't fulfill. I am led to believe this is the norm for most recruitment agencies though, so after picking myself up, dusting myself off and having a very good chat with Nick we came up with a plan of action. 

I have emailed a lecturer from Leeds City College to see if despite the course having started 3 weeks ago I can enrol on a Level 1 Diploma in Health and Social Care. He has passed my details on to Anchor homes who deal with a lot of care homes in my local area and we also went through a few other vacancies which have also been applied for. Next up is to write a covering letter and attach my CV and send it to the local residential homes in the hope that one of them is looking for staff and likes what they read. 

Several months ago this 'rejection' and let down would have set me back a hell of a lot but thanks to friends, support and a new confidence I am now a Weeble and Weebles wobble but we don't fall down.
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. B*st*rds.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now....
As I cry myself to sleep tonight I shall dream of what ifs and maybes and hopes of what may be.
The house was serene and empty. Whilst the harsh winds howled outside, the thick, heavy curtains and the roaring fire kept the cold at bay, the only sound within the house was the ticking of the mantle clock and the creaking of the floor boards as I paced the room.
It had been weeks since I had last seen James, if not months. Yet something deep in the pit of my stomach told me that I would see him tonight. After what seemed like hours I resigned myself to the fact he wasn't coming and retired to my bed. Distinguishing the fire I caught a glimpse of a dark shadow that fleeted past me, too quick for my eye to follow - it was gone. The house seemed lonely now as I climbed the stairs, it missed the laughter that used to ring out through every room, it missed the festivities, the parties and the smiles, it missed James.
When James had gone out that night to play snooker with his friends I did not imagine it to be the last time I would get to wrap my arms around him, rest my head on his chest and listen to his heart beating. Nor did I imagine that I would never feel his soft, hot breath on the back of my neck or his warm, tender lips crush against mine again. Yet that night all of that and more was taken from me, yet whatever had hurt James that night had left part of him behind. A piece of him which lurked in shadows, and appeared magicly, a piece of him which belonged to me.
I had a chinese takeaway tonight, nothing strange about that? A friend asked why as soon as I had finished eating did I run and put all the rubbish in the outside bin, I had to seriously think about how to answer and here is my response.

For a long time I have had an unhealthy relationship with food and an even unhealthier relationship with my weight. Whilst many people will look and see a fat person they never realise the issues within.

I have previously suffered with Bulimia. I would often buy large amounts of food for binges and eat and eat till I was sick. Sometimes I would hide the food, in a drawer, in a box, I once even hid takeaways in the bin in my bedroom. When the house was empty I forced the food into myself and then I forced myself to be sick. I would then miss a day or two of food to make up for it.

Then the hospital told me to lose weight and so I joined Slimming World. I joined in February and have managed to lose 6 stone 3 lb since then, by following a healthy meal plan. My attitutude is still not healthy though. I have replaced my addiction to food with an addiction to my weight. I weigh myself several times a day, petrified to put weight on. I skip meals, sometimes only one sometimes a whole two days worth. I love to buy food especially sweets and chocolate, but you will never see me eat any. I open the wrapper I look at it and then I give it to my granddad or brother.

I was asked if I wanted to go for a meal for my birthday, we stayed in. I can't eat infront of people I hate it. I get scared incase people look at me and think, no wonder she is so fat look how much she is eating. Instead I prefer to hideaway in my bedroom away from people. I have not seen my best friend in over a month for that very reason, we no longer go out on nights out, as much as some people tell me I look great, I still don't see it.

So when asked why I was desperate to get the wrappers away from my room, the reason is simple, I am scared to let my family know I have eaten it, I am scared incase I decide to break in to the left overs in the middle of the night, but most of all I'm scared I will get to my target weight and feel no happier than I did 6 stone 3 ago.
For many years now I have suffered with nightmares. Some milder than others but in general relating to everything from Joshua, to my ex to friends and then just randomness.

The worst thing for me is dreaming about a person dying. Several months ago I had a dream that a family friend died, we found out the next day that she passed through the night. Luckily I had no dreams about death since, and my nightmares had settled, until last night.

Last night I dreamt a very special friend had killed himself. He's having a rough time of it and I don't know if that prompted the dream or what, all i know is that i managed two hours sleep and woke in tears. Normally I speak to this friend most days and I text them and got no reply. My heart sank and I had a panic attack. I was convinced that history had repeated itself and that my dream had been a sign. So I have spent most of the day in a tired and dazed and extremely emotional state.

I have since heard from him and he is ok, and now I find myself crying tears of relief. I know I should try to sleep now. After all with being ill my body needs it but now I lay here too scared to close my eyes, like I am being haunted from within.
I've got Pat Benatar stuck in my bloody head lol!

Your love is like a tidal wave, spinning over my head
Drownin me in your promises, better left unsaid
Youre the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner, and you know that you were born to be
Youre a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Dont you mess around with me!

Your love has set my soul on fire, burnin out of control
You taught me the ways of desire, now its takin its toll
I've been looking at XKCD loads lately. One of my friends tweets a link to some of them regularly.

I have to say this one cheers me up as it could be so true to something I would do it's untrue.

I long to feel the soft weight of you
to welcome you home, with kisses
on silky round cheeks.

Instead my arms ache with the
weight of your absence,
the empty places that were meant for you
to grow into.

My love for you will last an eternity
My hopes and dreams now carried
on the fragile wings of each butterfly passing
compelling me to pause,
to savour each moment,

each flutter in my heart-
your wings.
Ok so this probably isn't the best place to write this but I have had it in my head an have nobody to talk to it about so though what the hell I shall type it out because it helps me sort my head.

In December of 2004 I had an operation to remove my right fallopian tube and right ovary due to a large cyst which ruptured and damaged both beyond repair. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get pregnant as I no longer had regular periods but in  July 2005 I found out I was pregnant. However I lost my little jellybean JLB on the 30th August and after that my periods pretty much disappeared. I comforted a lot with food and my weight crept up which no doubt added to my lack of periods. Despite my lack of periods I fell pregnant again and once again lost the baby however it was much earlier on in the pregnancy than JLB and I don't tend to talk much about it.

My periods really took a nose dive and I was lucky if I had 1 or 2 a year. However since losing all this weight my periods have come back and whilst they aren't spot on regular they are getting better. Part of me really wants to know if I am ovulating though as the doctors never ran tests after I split with Ste so I don't know if my one remaining ovary is working properly. So I was thinking now that my periods are back I could use ovulation tests to see if I am ovulating.

The only problem with that is I don't know how long my cycle is going to be, plus I don't want to set myself up for a fall, if that makes sense. There's part of me that really wants to know though. I've always wanted kids, nobody can deny it. I love kids and I know I use spud as my surrogate but I just think part of me needs to know but part of me is scared.

I can get 60 ovulation tests from ebay for around £6 so the cost isn't huge. It's just wether it's worth putting myself through it at the moment, when I have no partner and no prospective sperm donor either.

Who knew thinking could be so dangerous.
There is the fantastic chance at the minute to win an iPad plus some other giveaways like Powerballs etc. over on the Simply Wholesale site. To enter have a look at the details over here
Because of my huge love for Twilight and my love for competitions I've been looking for competitions to win Twilight stuff :)

I found a fabby giveaway on Sofia's Journal. Have a look :) and good luck x
Firstly I have to apologise for not blogging recently. I was busy with my exams and a few family stresses but everything is all ok now and my exams are over - yippee.

As many of my friends know I am completely addicted to Twilight and everything that goes with so it will come as no shock to any of you that on Saturday night me and Spud went to see Eclipse. All I can say is OMG AMAZING!

The film had a completely different feel to it than Twilight and New Moon. It was action packed, more mature and full of beautiful people. I found myself having lustings for most of the cast.

A lot of people were disappointed with New Moon and Twilight as they lacked a little of the oomph that you would expect from the books, yet Eclipse gave all the oomph expected and more. Action, romance, passion as well as effortless quirks and one liners making the movie enjoyable for everyone, Twilight fan or not.

I definitely recommend you go see the film, my review is sparse because i don't want to spoil it for anyone but on Wednesday night I shall be sat in the cinema enjoying Eclipse for a second time.
Well I was doing a bit of googling and found a website which I thought was fun so thought I would share.

The website is called Is This Your Name???

When I put my name in it comes up with these interesting little quips:

43% of the letters are vowels. Of one million first and last names we looked at, 19.5% have a higher vowel make-up. This means it is well envoweled.

In ASCII binary it is... 01000100 01100001 01101110 01101001 01100101 01101100 01101100 01100101 00100000 01000111 01110010 01100001 01110110 01100101 01110011  

Backwards, it is Elleinad Sevarg... nice ring to it, huh?

In Pig Latin, it is Anielleday Avesgray.

People with this first name are probably: Female. So, they are constantly overcharged for beauty products.

The Origin of Danielle is French and comes from the male name Daniel. It has the meaning 'My Judge'.

Your personal power animal is the Domestic Ferret

Your 'Numerology' number is 8. If it wasn't bulls**t, it would mean that you are motivated by material success and have an aptitude for business, managerial and financial matters. This comes through your uncommon discipline and persistence.

According to the US Census Bureau°, 0.149% of US residents have the first name 'Danielle' and 0.0339% have the surname 'Graves'. The US has around 300 million residents, so we guesstimate there are 152 Americans who go by the name 'Danielle Graves'.

So there you have it, have a look what does it say about you?
Today is Fathers Day, a day for celebrating how brilliant and amazing our fathers are. Yet there are many people, and a lot of my friends are included who will not be celebrating today, as sadly their dad's have passed away. It is seeing the status updates of people sick with worry, and stressed about how they will cope on their first Father's Day since their dad's have passed which has made me so appreciative of what I have.

I have 3 dads.

My first dad is my real dad. He's the one I look like and the one I inherit my height from. He's the one that thinks of himself as a 'shit dad' - his words not mine. Yet he doesn't realise quite how proud of him I really am. Admittedly we haven't always seen eye to eye, and for years we had no contact, yet in 2008 I wrote him a letter and we got back in touch and I might not see him every day or every week, but those 2 or 3 times I see him a year mean the world to me. We have limited contact through emails and texts because he works too bloody hard and when I do see him we never really know what to talk about and often sit in his car for 20 minutes, but that's ok because he's still there. He always calls me monkey in our emails and he always signs them off Pops. So this year I got him a chocolate monkey from Thornton's and had it iced 'To Pops Love Monkey' it might not have been expensive but I know it meant the world to him.

My second dad is Dave, he's my step dad. Me and Dave have had our ups and downs and there has been more downs than ups. I've never been able to call him dad because it felt like betraying my real dad so I stick to calling him Dave. At times I have hated him and at times I love him to bits. He makes my mum happy and it's cause of him I have my spud and whilst at times we fought like cat and dog he still tried to do his best for me, it didn't always work but he tried. Now many people will find my card to him offensive, those who know him will probably think its a bit below the belt, but that's the way me and Dave work, we bitch at each other in the nicest possible way! His card is pint shaped and reads:
"Of beer you are an expert,
 you know good ale from bad,
 which isn't that suprising
 the amount of pint's you've had.
 You're happy drinking lager.
 cider, bitter or even stout,
 if anyone questions your knowledge........

 your beer belly removes all doubt! "

It made me chuckle anyway :o)

My third dad isn't really my dad. He's my granddad. I've always been a granddad's girl, it's probably always shown. He's the one who cleaned me up when I fell and banged my knee, the one who takes me to the doctors or hospital when i'm ill, the one who looks after me and puts a roof over my head, and even though he doesn't admit it he's the one that lets me squidge in between him and my nan on the sofa for a cuddle. He's the man that stood by me through everything from the 4am feeds as a new born bairn to the 4am trips to pick me up from town when I am stranded. He often jokes that I'm his fourth daughter, to be honest I am. He get's on my nerves with all his sport but what man doesn't?? I couldn't ask for a better man.

So there you have it. I'm spoilt. I have 3 men who all have their faults, some bigger than others, but they all had an input into who I am and despite a few rough patches they didn't do too bad. So I wish them a huge and happy father's day and may I not bring undue stress, grey hair or expense to you in the next 365 days, i love you all x
Yesterday somebody asked me what song defined me and I really struggled to come up with one definitive song as there are a few that define parts of me or parts of my life so far at least. I asked my best friend and my grandma; the two people who know me best, and neither of them could come up with one song. My cyber sister Jobie Wan Kenobi said her defining song was 'Fat Bottomed Girls' which made me lol lots. So I set to task and with the help of iTunes tried to find a song that defined me. The sun was shining, and the music was playing loud and it reminded me of a part of my teenage years. So the facebook status

The year is 2002, I'm a moody 15 year old with black hair and even more black eyeliner. My jeans are so wide that the leg fits around my waist, the sun is shining the music is loud and i couldnt give a shit :p

came about. iTunes genius is just that - a genius. It transported me back in time to the age of 15 and the music that I loved and still do. The very first song on the genius list was Something Corporate and their song Punk Rock Princess. That's who I was and part of me still is I guess. I still don't think that song defines me on a whole though so I am still pretty stumped. :(

Other songs that came up on genius were Bleed America by Jimmy Eat World which was pretty accurate with the line 'I'm not alone cos the tv's on yeah, I'm not crazy cos I take right pills everyday." Then there was Bullet For My Valentine and their song Tears Don't Fall - "My tears don't fall they crash around me" as well as many many more. So even though I still can't find one defining song I'm enjoying trying x

It's official.

I am having a mid-life crisis. Aged 22.

I have no job, I am no longer a student, I live with my grandparents 'renting' one of their spare bedrooms. I have no income, no partner and yet despite the fact I should be miserable and depressed about all these facts I am the complete opposite.

Gone are the days of wearing nothing but black, and the hatred for wearing jewellery. My hair was black, my clothes were black, my make up was black. Today I am a rainbow. (I've been on the energy drinks can you tell?)

Looking at my wardrobe and it's contents, yes there still are some items of black, mainly trousers but there are new colours seeping in such as blue, pink, purple and green. I have developed a love of T-shirts with pictures or slogans on. One of my favourites is a chick with huge glasses on and the words 'Chick With Brains', a blatant lie if you could see my revision notes at the moment but all the same I think the tee is cute :)

My hairs now a mousy brown although in 3 weeks time it is getting bleached blonde. It won't be blonde for long though as I am ditzy enough but even though I have brown hair the dyes I use never give the results I want so I am bleaching first before hopefully going a lovely burgundy colour. Hopefully.

I don't wear jewellery, well I never used to, I still don't wear conventional jewellery but I love quirky and kitsch items. Such as my smiley face studs which my mum got me at christmas from Claire's accessories, to the scrabble tile I wear around my neck and my new love a knitting needle bracelet. Which was sent to me by a wonderful lady called Natalie. I love it hun so thank you very much :)

The only thing I can think of is about how much I have changed, for the better. In the last 3 years my confidence has grown and with it my true inner personality has begun to break out, the weight loss has just given it a bit of a shove.

So as I sit here in my rainbow of bright pink tinkerbell t-shirt, blue and pink Sesame Street underwear, fluorescent yellow socks, black trousers, a pale green knitting needle bracelet and some funky yellow earrings, I'm happy. Cause at the end of every rainbow is a pot of gold..
After losing just short of 4 stone, I have outgrown my clothes, or rather they have outgrown me. The size 24, 26 and 28 which I regularly used to wear now hang loose and look scruffily ill fitting, heck I have even had the problem of some of my trousers falling down.

Wanting to know what clothes size I should be looking for from now on I decided to do a quick google. I checked the New Look site, Evans and then I checked the British Standard chart as seen on Retro Chick's Blog. My grandma who has also decided to lose weight has also joined Slimming World and so we decided to look at her measurements as well.

I have some size 24 trousers which fit perfect, not tight but not baggy on the bum and falling down. I have size 22 which fit perfect not tight and again not baggy on the bum. Yet according to the New Look size guide I should be buying size 24-26. Yet the New Look trousers I have from New Look in the size fall down.
 Me wearing said 24-26 trousers from New Look

What made me feel even worse was the fact that in accordance with the British Standard, which admittedly doesn't really exist in store but is still there for reference I should be in a size 30! No matter how much weight i have gained in my life I have never been a size 30 and it's really moral quashing to see that in print when you think you have done well. 

So either New Look have just lied on their size guide and picked numbers out of the air at random or I have been really unlucky and bought 3 pairs of trousers which have had the wrong size label sewn in, which is pretty impossible as New Looks inspire range only goes up to a size 26 anyway.

In complete comparison with their trousers, New Look state I should be a size 18 on top. I wish. My current tops are a size 20-22. Without looking too tight (the pic above the top is tied behind my back so you can see the extent of of the gap), yet I know that if I was to try and get a size 18 on at the moment then I would either lose feeling in body parts due to the restriction to my blood flow or the seams would bust. The British Standard is a little more accurate though and puts me at a size 22. 

So I guess my point is. How can a clothing size guide be so accurate with one part of your body and then so out of touch and off the mark with another? How many people's self confidence have shops ruined and sabotaged because they can't make a set guideline for their clothing sizes and then stick to it? 

I'm of the personality type on which normally I would let this put me down and I would feel sad and feel like I hadn't made any progress, well all I can say now is bollocks to the British clothing industry. I'm doing well, I've lost weight, I've lost inches, I'm in smaller clothes. Whether you put me in a size 20 or a size 24 it's still apparent how far I have come by looking at me, a few numbers on a label aren't going to ruin that for me! 

I haven't blogged for a few days. I have had a lot running through my mind. My exams are this month, in fact my first one is on Friday. I could always lie and say that I am prepared but when it's the end of an era almost it\s hard to know if you are prepared or not. After my exams I am not sure where I go. It's been 3 years since I worked and as much as I would love to go back to work I know that my options are limited as to who will take me and what I can do. I still struggle with groups of people although am thinking of enquiring about touch typist roles or receptionists in the local hospital. Something like that.

Speaking of hospitals, on Thursday I had my appointment with the specialist regarding weight loss surgery. Last year I asked to be referred for surgery as I wasn't able to lose weight. I was struggling and shifted a stone then gained it again. I didn't tell them at first that I had been going to Slimming World. They weighed me and were shocked by the results, in a good way. It turns out I can't have the surgery now anyway as I have lost so much weight that I fall below their BMI threshold. I am quite happy about it really as over the last 17 weeks I have managed to talk myself out of it. I'd rather do it my way.

I also went to Slimming World on Thursday and I lost 4.5lb this week! :) 1lb to go for my 4 stone award yippeeee. :)
I love books which have been made into films and television series. As many of you will know some of my favourite books are the Twilight Saga and Sookie Stackhouse series (TrueBlood)

Then there is the wonderful films such as Alice in Wonderland, To Kill a Mockingbird and many more.

As a treat for you guys I have two books to give away.

The Soloist and Dan Brown's Angels & Demons

If you would like to enter then please fill in the form below by the 15th June.

The competition I recently ran for a wax burner and a box of bakery melts ended at midnight, and after putting the details of everyone who had entered onto a spreadsheet and assigning each entrant a number I used to pick a winner. The winner was

Vikki runs a fantastic site called PostPals

PostPals allows people from the public such as yourself to log on and find a 'Pal' in one of the children listed on the site. The beautiful children on the site are all such strong, brave children who have debilitating illnesses and conditions. Unfortunately not all of the children survive but by visiting the site and choosing a 'Pal' who you can send letters, cards, toys and presents to, you guarantee that even on dark days when they are not at their best you will bring a smile to their faces. You are also able to send letters and gifts to the siblings of Pals lifted on the site, as it can be equally as tough for them to see their brother and sister seriously ill.

Please do take a look at the site and choose a Pal. The children are listed in name, age and condition order. You don't have to spend a fortune to put a smile on their faces, a letter or card would be equally as welcome. The only difficulty is choosing which little angel to write to.
Ok, so I was lucky enough to win a pair of tickets to go and see SATC 2 and I thought I would write a little blog about it, no spoilers I promise.

We arrived at the Vue cinema in Kirkstall, which was to say the least HECTIC! As we entered the cinema both me and my nan were given a huge tub of popcorn and a drink of diet coke big enough to go swimming in.

The film itself has already received bad reviews from a lot of the press, I'm not quite sure it was all called for at all. Admittedly there were points where the gag lines felt forced and the movie seemed a little slow but on the whole the film was comical with lots of laughs, quirky jokes and plenty of tongue in cheek. All as you expect from Sex and the City. The storylines were new and fresh for the characters and brought a whole new insight into who Carrie, Miranda, Sam and Charlotte really are. There were parts of them that were revealed in the film, that I am sure each and every woman in the audience could relate to, hey even a couple of men too. It showed the characters as real people who still manage to look absolutely stunning and gorgeous, although there were a few outfits that had me go 'Woah! Seriously??' but then who am I to judge, I've never owned a designer label in my life.

The film is funny and witty, the women are gorgeous, the men phwoar and the storyline is well written. I thoroughly enjoyed it and recommend you give it a chance, don't believe all the negative press. I think the press are trying to put Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte on a pedestal and want them to be untouchable, they don't want the average Mrs Joe Bloggs to feel they can be successful, sexy and beautiful it undermines our need for men, although if your anything like Samantha you need them for a thing or two ;-)

On the 4th February 2010 I joined my local slimming world group. I weighed in at 25 stone 10.5lb. My BMI was 46.2, medically speaking I was morbidly obese.

Yesterday was my 16th weigh in.

I weighed in at 22 stone 2lb.

That has meant a total loss so far of 3 stone 8.5lb. Bringing my BMI down from 46.2 to 39.8. I am no longer morbidly obese, I am simply obese. That may not seem like a big achievement to many but to me it is progress and a step forward.

Slimming World give you an award (it's a shiny sticker) for every half stone you lose, for if you have lost the most in class that week and also if you have lost the most in class that month.

Here is a snap shot of my awards.
10 Slimmer Of The Weeks, 1 Slimmer Of The Month, 1/2 stone, 1 stone, 1.5 stone, 2 stone, 2.5 stone, 3 stone, 3.5 stone

You will notice there is also an award for Club 10. That is when you lose 10% of your start weight.I have lost 14% of my start weight. With the loss of 10% I have:
1. Lower blood pressure, reduce your risk of heart disease and stroke
2. Reduce the risk of developing type 2 diabetes.
3. Lower blood cholesterol levels which are associated with increased risk from heart disease.
4. Reduce strain on the joints and improve back and joint pain.
5. Your lungs function better and reduce breathlessness.
6. Improve mood and self-esteem.
7. Improve asthma and reduce the need for medication.
8. Become more mobile, making it easier to be more active.
9. Improve fertility and menstrual problems
10. Reduce the risk of certain obesity-related cancers

My losses average out at just over 3lb a week and I am really pleased with that. Some weeks I lost more, some weeks I lost less. By losing 50.5lb I feel much better in myself but I know that I still have a long way to go. I would ideally like my 4 stone award by my mums birthday. Her birthday is on the 26th June, that gives me 4 weeks to lost 5.5lb. I did originally say I wanted my 5 stone award for my birthday, but thats wrong. I know it will be hard work, and I am not shy of a challenge but I would love to get my 6 stone award if possible. There is 13 more weigh in's till my birthday. 2 stone 5.5lb to go to the 6 stone point. Thats 33.5lb in 13 weeks, so I need to be aiming for just over 2.5 lb a week. Eek. I'm not sure if I can do it. I shall definately be giving it a go though. I bought a 12 week countdown today, which basically means I paid for 10 in advance and got 2 free. Let's hope they keep me on the straight and narrow. 

I just had a semi succesful bath :-) It would have been absolutely fanbloodytastic but I used my Oatifix face mask from Lush and it must have been too warm in my bathroom cos it just seemed to resemble baby sick/food whilst in my hands and on my face. Kind of mushy and sloppy and not nice. Which is a shame as I usually love it and it is great for my eczema too.

I normally use a bubble bar in the bath but wanted to keep it kinda simple tonight so used an Ex Factor from Lush to get a gorgeous coloured water. Mixed it with a So White for an appletising scent. (Pun intended)

Then I used the yummy scrummy Carina Shower Cream in The Wolf and The Cold One. It's even better than the perfume! The scent has really lasted on my skin, and I really am in love with it. I'd really like to smell this on a man so I may have to find one somewhere (don't all rush at once) just to see what this is like on a guy as I think it would be lovely and maybe possibly just make me melt a little.

I washed my hair with my regular apple shampoo and then conditioned it with a little beauty that arrived today.

TOMMYGUNS Fig. Plum & Marshmallow Conditioner. Its a 250ml bottle and retails at £4.99 a bottle. Apparently you can only get it in the likes of Waitrose and Sainsbury's and a few other high-er end retailers.

The little blurb at the bottom of the bottle says
"This is a beautiful dream, a conditioner that can calm & smooth both your hair and your emotions"

I found it a little hard to get out of the bottle at first but I think that's because it is a square bottle. The actual texture of the conditioner is really thick and creamy almost of a hair mask consistency.

The scent is actually really nice. I wasn't sure on how the figs and plums would affect what I expected to be sweet, gooey marhsmallow. They actually all really compliment each other really well. Giving a rich yet subtle, fruity and sweet scent. My hair is also feeling a hell of a lot smoother and softer and it's taken me a lot less longer than normal to brush through as normally it is very knotty and I end up with a sore scalp but after using this conditioner just once my brush glided straight through.

Now that my hair has started to dry it smells and feels like I have been to a top end salon rather than in my bathroom.

Now to brave the stores and try and buy some more.