The weekend has been a strange but slightly perfect one. It has consisted of tears and tantrums, truths, revelations and an openness I had forgotten about as I revealed my fears and insecurities to my best friend. At one point last week I thought we had lost it all, all because of hear say and stubbornness. But after a weekend with him I’ve realised some things are worth fighting for, his friendship is one of them. I also learnt that I don’t need to hide my fears and doubts from him, he doesn’t judge me for them, he accepts me on a whole, as I am, and as I intend to be.

“You don't have to scream to say something that you honestly mean
the world won't turn without you
and I am amazed you're standing still
your problems, they aren't problems
be glad they never will
I'm taking my kisses back
I want my kisses back from you
when you hear those footsteps calling
it's O.K. if you don't answer
isn't it obvious?
I thought it was obvious.”

I am in the foulest of foul moods, as a great quote says “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?” Well when the people doing the weighing and the measuring and the judging of you are supposed to be friends of yours, it beats you pretty damn badly.

As many of you will know, Squidge is my best friend, at one point I was head over heels in love with him, he was the first male other than family that I had trusted in a long time and I think that took over my feelings, but after spending time with him and developing the fantastic friendship we have/had I realised I wasn’t in love with him but I do love him and I do care about him. And anyone who knows me knows that if I care about you and count you as a friend I will do anything for you, only I’m not allowed to do that with Squidge. I’m not allowed to care. If I care people judge and then run gossiping to him that I am in love with him or I’m lying to him about how I feel.

These people that have judged and gossiped and made him doubt me, seem to forget that they only see the tiny little part of me that I let them see. They don’t realise I don’t publicise every little detail on facebook or msn or anywhere else. They don’t realise that in the time me and Squidge have been best friends I have been in a relationship, albeit short due to the fact the guy was a bit of a nutter, or that I am outgoing and confident and go out and dance with guys and chat to guys and flirt and be happy and bubbly. If I was that hung up on Squidge and that desperate for him then why the hell would I do that?

Since when was a lass not allowed to have a male friend without there being an ulterior motive? Why can I not just enjoy his company and spending time with him and love how he makes me feel? I’ve not got a manipulative bone in my body and I don’t play games. So if you want to judge me go ahead, say all you have to say, think all you have to think. At the end of the day – I am me, I like being me, I will keep being me, and I ain’t ever going to change, so if you don’t like it you can kiss my arse and piss off!!