The house was serene and empty. Whilst the harsh winds howled outside, the thick, heavy curtains and the roaring fire kept the cold at bay, the only sound within the house was the ticking of the mantle clock and the creaking of the floor boards as I paced the room.
It had been weeks since I had last seen James, if not months. Yet something deep in the pit of my stomach told me that I would see him tonight. After what seemed like hours I resigned myself to the fact he wasn't coming and retired to my bed. Distinguishing the fire I caught a glimpse of a dark shadow that fleeted past me, too quick for my eye to follow - it was gone. The house seemed lonely now as I climbed the stairs, it missed the laughter that used to ring out through every room, it missed the festivities, the parties and the smiles, it missed James.
When James had gone out that night to play snooker with his friends I did not imagine it to be the last time I would get to wrap my arms around him, rest my head on his chest and listen to his heart beating. Nor did I imagine that I would never feel his soft, hot breath on the back of my neck or his warm, tender lips crush against mine again. Yet that night all of that and more was taken from me, yet whatever had hurt James that night had left part of him behind. A piece of him which lurked in shadows, and appeared magicly, a piece of him which belonged to me.
I had a chinese takeaway tonight, nothing strange about that? A friend asked why as soon as I had finished eating did I run and put all the rubbish in the outside bin, I had to seriously think about how to answer and here is my response.

For a long time I have had an unhealthy relationship with food and an even unhealthier relationship with my weight. Whilst many people will look and see a fat person they never realise the issues within.

I have previously suffered with Bulimia. I would often buy large amounts of food for binges and eat and eat till I was sick. Sometimes I would hide the food, in a drawer, in a box, I once even hid takeaways in the bin in my bedroom. When the house was empty I forced the food into myself and then I forced myself to be sick. I would then miss a day or two of food to make up for it.

Then the hospital told me to lose weight and so I joined Slimming World. I joined in February and have managed to lose 6 stone 3 lb since then, by following a healthy meal plan. My attitutude is still not healthy though. I have replaced my addiction to food with an addiction to my weight. I weigh myself several times a day, petrified to put weight on. I skip meals, sometimes only one sometimes a whole two days worth. I love to buy food especially sweets and chocolate, but you will never see me eat any. I open the wrapper I look at it and then I give it to my granddad or brother.

I was asked if I wanted to go for a meal for my birthday, we stayed in. I can't eat infront of people I hate it. I get scared incase people look at me and think, no wonder she is so fat look how much she is eating. Instead I prefer to hideaway in my bedroom away from people. I have not seen my best friend in over a month for that very reason, we no longer go out on nights out, as much as some people tell me I look great, I still don't see it.

So when asked why I was desperate to get the wrappers away from my room, the reason is simple, I am scared to let my family know I have eaten it, I am scared incase I decide to break in to the left overs in the middle of the night, but most of all I'm scared I will get to my target weight and feel no happier than I did 6 stone 3 ago.
For many years now I have suffered with nightmares. Some milder than others but in general relating to everything from Joshua, to my ex to friends and then just randomness.

The worst thing for me is dreaming about a person dying. Several months ago I had a dream that a family friend died, we found out the next day that she passed through the night. Luckily I had no dreams about death since, and my nightmares had settled, until last night.

Last night I dreamt a very special friend had killed himself. He's having a rough time of it and I don't know if that prompted the dream or what, all i know is that i managed two hours sleep and woke in tears. Normally I speak to this friend most days and I text them and got no reply. My heart sank and I had a panic attack. I was convinced that history had repeated itself and that my dream had been a sign. So I have spent most of the day in a tired and dazed and extremely emotional state.

I have since heard from him and he is ok, and now I find myself crying tears of relief. I know I should try to sleep now. After all with being ill my body needs it but now I lay here too scared to close my eyes, like I am being haunted from within.