I had a chinese takeaway tonight, nothing strange about that? A friend asked why as soon as I had finished eating did I run and put all the rubbish in the outside bin, I had to seriously think about how to answer and here is my response.

For a long time I have had an unhealthy relationship with food and an even unhealthier relationship with my weight. Whilst many people will look and see a fat person they never realise the issues within.

I have previously suffered with Bulimia. I would often buy large amounts of food for binges and eat and eat till I was sick. Sometimes I would hide the food, in a drawer, in a box, I once even hid takeaways in the bin in my bedroom. When the house was empty I forced the food into myself and then I forced myself to be sick. I would then miss a day or two of food to make up for it.

Then the hospital told me to lose weight and so I joined Slimming World. I joined in February and have managed to lose 6 stone 3 lb since then, by following a healthy meal plan. My attitutude is still not healthy though. I have replaced my addiction to food with an addiction to my weight. I weigh myself several times a day, petrified to put weight on. I skip meals, sometimes only one sometimes a whole two days worth. I love to buy food especially sweets and chocolate, but you will never see me eat any. I open the wrapper I look at it and then I give it to my granddad or brother.

I was asked if I wanted to go for a meal for my birthday, we stayed in. I can't eat infront of people I hate it. I get scared incase people look at me and think, no wonder she is so fat look how much she is eating. Instead I prefer to hideaway in my bedroom away from people. I have not seen my best friend in over a month for that very reason, we no longer go out on nights out, as much as some people tell me I look great, I still don't see it.

So when asked why I was desperate to get the wrappers away from my room, the reason is simple, I am scared to let my family know I have eaten it, I am scared incase I decide to break in to the left overs in the middle of the night, but most of all I'm scared I will get to my target weight and feel no happier than I did 6 stone 3 ago.


Simon said...

You've obviously had a hard time and you know all too well how much our outward appearance impacts on our view of ourselves, yet somehow you've held on to that negativity despite the weight loss. I'd love for you to acknowledge that losing six stone is a phenomenal achievement in anyone's book and be proud of yourself.

Being comfortable in your own skin, regardless of what you look like, is very hard and you cannot be blamed for feeling low. I'm not sure that I've ever met someone who has never had an insecurity about their appearance at some level during their lifetime. I'm also certain that if I ever meet such a person, that their insecurity just hasn't found them yet.

You're not wrong to feel bad, nor should you feel ashamed at all about the feelings you have towards yourself. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are far from being alone. If anything I'd say you were just being human to feel the way you do.

"Beauty comes in all sizes, not just size 5." ~ Roseanne Barr

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