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I had intended to write a blog post about how much I hate my body but after reading it and showing it to S I decided against it, as I sat down and calmed down and re-evaluated my feelings and it’s not that I hate myself, it’s that i hate how other people may look at me and judge me. I hate that I care so much about other peoples opinions instead of my own, I have my faults but who doesn’t.

My slimming world consultant would like me to apply to be in the magazine. Something which brings both pride and absolute dread. I am proud of how far I have come on my weight loss journey but am also hugely aware of how far I still have to go. Many people think I am vain because of my posy pictures on facebook, they don’t realise that those few pictures come from almost 7 years of not liking the way I look and not being proud of my pictures, they also don’t realise that those 3 profile pictures are out of over 100 pictures taken. This is where the dread comes in, I don’t have very much confidence and the thought of having my pictures, both before and after in a magazine and having them scrutinized by others petrifies me.

I have a before picture and today I took another picture of me in the same pose, and i couldn’t see a difference, from size 28 to 20 but I couldn’t tell. I was gutted to say the least, and i sat and cried and hated myself, repulsed that there was no difference, but there was. I am so used to being fat, that when I look in the mirror I still see the fat person that I was. I am still fat but not so much.

As humans, we are our own worst critics, where others see perfections and qualities, we see faults and flaws.

I am not perfect and never will be, but my imperfections make me who i am, and hopefully just being me is enough. If people can’t accept me for who I am then bully for them, because I am sure that those who are in my life and who are important to me will testify that although slightly neurotic at times I am selfless, loving and caring, and do all I can for those i love, and being a size 20 or a size 10 will not change that.

1 comments:

hullajukugirl said...

Well done on your weight loss. I know how hard it is. I went down from a a 20 to a 14, but have crept back to a big 16. I can honestly say I was no happier or more confident (my levels of which vary daily) being a 14 than a size 20. I felt healthier and got some nice comments but that was it really. I'm still me, whatever size I am. People can either like it or lump it. It sounds corny, but it really is what's on the inside that counts. x

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