How does it feel?….

Someone asked me today how does it feel knowing my best friend cared so little that he could end the friendship the way he did. How does it feel to know that at that moment in time they didn’t care how they hurt me or if they hurt me at all. Truth is it doesn’t feel like anything.

At the end of the day, I have been the best friend I could possibly be. I was always there for them, I always listened. I went out of my way for them, and when they needed me I was there no matter what. I know that I did my best by them. So I leave the friendship with no regrets at all.

Only feeling I have for them is disappointment that they could disrespect my grandparents enough to bang on the door the way they did after my grandparents were so welcoming and nice to him.

How does it feel? It feels nice, it feels free.

Here I am.

The weekend has been a strange but slightly perfect one. It has consisted of tears and tantrums, truths, revelations and an openness I had forgotten about as I revealed my fears and insecurities to my best friend. At one point last week I thought we had lost it all, all because of hear say and stubbornness. But after a weekend with him I’ve realised some things are worth fighting for, his friendship is one of them. I also learnt that I don’t need to hide my fears and doubts from him, he doesn’t judge me for them, he accepts me on a whole, as I am, and as I intend to be.

No Sensitivity

“You don't have to scream to say something that you honestly mean
the world won't turn without you
and I am amazed you're standing still
your problems, they aren't problems
be glad they never will
I'm taking my kisses back
I want my kisses back from you
when you hear those footsteps calling
it's O.K. if you don't answer
isn't it obvious?
I thought it was obvious.”

I am in the foulest of foul moods, as a great quote says “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?” Well when the people doing the weighing and the measuring and the judging of you are supposed to be friends of yours, it beats you pretty damn badly.

As many of you will know, Squidge is my best friend, at one point I was head over heels in love with him, he was the first male other than family that I had trusted in a long time and I think that took over my feelings, but after spending time with him and developing the fantastic friendship we have/had I realised I wasn’t in love with him but I do love him and I do care about him. And anyone who knows me knows that if I care about you and count you as a friend I will do anything for you, only I’m not allowed to do that with Squidge. I’m not allowed to care. If I care people judge and then run gossiping to him that I am in love with him or I’m lying to him about how I feel.

These people that have judged and gossiped and made him doubt me, seem to forget that they only see the tiny little part of me that I let them see. They don’t realise I don’t publicise every little detail on facebook or msn or anywhere else. They don’t realise that in the time me and Squidge have been best friends I have been in a relationship, albeit short due to the fact the guy was a bit of a nutter, or that I am outgoing and confident and go out and dance with guys and chat to guys and flirt and be happy and bubbly. If I was that hung up on Squidge and that desperate for him then why the hell would I do that?

Since when was a lass not allowed to have a male friend without there being an ulterior motive? Why can I not just enjoy his company and spending time with him and love how he makes me feel? I’ve not got a manipulative bone in my body and I don’t play games. So if you want to judge me go ahead, say all you have to say, think all you have to think. At the end of the day – I am me, I like being me, I will keep being me, and I ain’t ever going to change, so if you don’t like it you can kiss my arse and piss off!!

My wish for you…

This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.

Friday night and I’m alright.

Friday’s are normally a difficult day for me, I’m normally hungover and tired and thinking that it’s shit being stuck in the house when everyone else my age is out and about in town, that I can’t possibly top the night befores fun and laughter. For once I was wrong.

Admittedly I feel like shit, I’m full of the lurgy and it’s not nice, but I’m not hungover, I’m not alone and I’m not dwelling on how crap tonight is because it’s not. I have my best friend here staying with me, I was meant to make him some tea but considering I am full of germs and he has a new job to start on Monday it’s probably for the best that he settled on a couple of bags of crisps while I chomped on raw carrot. ( yes I am strange)

We have done bugger all excitement wise but sprawl on the sofa watching tv with me dozing in and out of states of delirium, sleep and consciousness. Sometimes that’s all you need though. A hug with someone you care about and a lazy night in on the sofa under a duvet.

It’s been lovely having him here, even more so cos I’ve managed to scare myself by seeing that someone has opened the gate and the garden security light is on, but at least I’ve got big bad squidge to scare any burglars off (in all honesty i think i am the scary one, especially looking how I do at the minute!!!) it’s sad knowing that he will have to scoot off tomorrow but at least he is only a text away and I know he is there if I do need him. Just like I hope he knows I am here if he needs me.

So this is it, it’s Friday night and whilst I feel like shite, I’m alright. I’m happy and smiling and glad for what I have xxx

Lose my mind

They say that time
Heals everything
But they don't know you
And the scars you bring
'Cos you left a jagged hole
And I can't stand it anymore
If heartache was a physical pain
I could face it I could face it
But you're hurting me
From inside of my head
I can't take it I can't take it
I'm gonna lose my mind
I'd erase my thoughts
If only I knew how
Fill my head with white noise
If it would drown you out
Kill the sound
If heartache was a physical pain
I could face it I could face it
But you're hurting me
From inside of my head
I can't take it I can't take it
I'm gonna lose my mind
And I'd rather be crazy
I'd rather go insane
Than having you stalk
My every thought
Then having you here inside my heart
If heartache was a physical pain
I could face it I could face it
But you're hurting me
From inside of my head
I can't take it I can't take it
I'm gonna lose my mind

And as you tip toe

And as you tiptoe off to bed, I’ll listen at your door,

for sighs and dreams and grandads snores.

I don’t begrudge you holidays or seeing Auntie Nick

I just know that I’m going to struggle with you gone

and 2 months seems so long.

The pair of you mean so much to me

your like my mum and dad

and even when the world seems bad

your there to hold my hand

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still remember the last time my grandparents went away. I didn’t eat for a week and I didn’t sleep either. I sunk into myself and I closed off and I thought I might find it easier this time around cos I’m a lot stronger but how do you cope when your support network is on the other side of the world and your there alone?

Your boyfriend sucks….

I tried to get someone to listen to this song today, but it fell on deaf ears, so here are the lyrics instead. For someone, I hope, in some way, they make sense.

You're better off without him, don't call him...
He's breaking your heart.
He's hanging with your best friend and your waiting there,
It's tearing you apart.
He lied to you a thousand times,
When I was there he kept you waiting.
And I'm still here waiting there
To catch you if you fall.
I don't know why I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all.
Finally got the nerve to tell you
How much you mean to me you said that I was your best friend,
A real sweet guy, but that's all I'd ever be.

Tiger Eyes

Someone told me once that they could tell me my life story just by looking in to my eyes. I laughed it off but what they told me wasn’t for from reality. My eyes are the portal to me. They show passion, they show fear, they show happiness and even without tears they show sadness.

Slightly unique, like me, they are different. My eyes are two different shades. Green and brown. Which used to get confusing for a very good friend who used to dedicate songs such as ‘brown eyed girl’ to me. Sometimes though he would get it right, and so he learnt to play Coldplay’s Green Eyes on guitar.

‘’Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you ‘’

God I miss him.

Anyway, I digress.

I can hide it all from you, but look into my eyes and I can never tell a lie. My eyes may sparkle they may shine, these eyes are precious for they are mine. They tell the stories of my life, of happiness, joy, pain and strife. Of times I wish I could forget and of dreams of people I have met.

Reconnections

My best friend said to me recently that since he had moved back to Leeds he had started to reconnect with people he used to go to school with and the such, it got me thinking that I didn’t really keep in contact with anyone I went to school with, not even my old best friend. Why?

A few weeks ago at the end of my tether my cousin came to my rescue, I was down and lonely and miserable and she went to the cinema with me to cheer me up. We used to hang out together when we were younger, more through force than anything else, but it was lovely to just have female company and have a chat and hang out together. So much so that we are going again this weekend and I can’t wait

Then there is my Stevie bum. We always used to text each other all the time anyway but we have had a couple of nights out together recently and it’s been nice. He is the 2nd most texted person in my phone and one of the people I pester the shit out of but it’s nice to actually have a bit of physical company, his friends are ace too.

Tonight has got to be the best night for me in a while though, I had a bit of a shit afternoon and was feeling like i might cry at any point. Then who should pop up on facebook but Natalie. When I went to primary school my mum and her mum were best friends, me and her were best friends. We were inseperable. We had sleep overs, we had birthday parties, we lived opposite each other and used to have walkie talkies so we could talk on a night because we couldn’t bare to be apart from each other. She’s said she’d really like to meet up and go for a drink which I am really looking forward to, we’ve traded numbers and I am looking forward to hearing from her.

Finally I found an email from an old clubbing buddy with his mobile number in, so on the off chance it was still in use I text it. I only had to say it’s Dani from Rio’s and he knew who I was.

So I’ve had a good time reconnecting with people from my past, and I know the saying goes, ‘’there’s a reason people didn’t make it to your present’’ or something along those lines, but with these people the only reason was through laziness and a loss of communication.

I really think I might be getting myself back on track.

Running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places ,
Be running up that road ,
Be running up that hill ,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh.. .
You don't wanna hurt me ,
But see how deep the bullet lies .
Unaware that I 'm tearing you
asunder.
There's a thunder in our hearts , baby .
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me , we both matter , don' t we ?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

hope

Life cannot be built on what ifs and maybes, or built on doubts about the past. All you can do is do your best and try. You can't change the past but you can create a new future.

I wish that you could see the good in you that I see x

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Comfortably numb.

I make no illusions of the fact I am a little down in the dumps as of late, it’s just the time of year. However, looking at this year compared to last year, I realise one thing which isn’t affecting my mood like it used to. My body. For the very first time in my adult life I think I am finally comfortable in my own skin. Sure I am still over weight but I am still actively doing something about it.

The thing which got me thinking the most is the clothes I wear. Last year I wore nothing but black. Black trousers, tshirts, black everything. Now I hardly wear black, hell I hardly even wear black trousers any more. I wear jeans, leggings, tracksuits. I wear bright colours and fitted items, clothes that flatter and draw attention to the new features I have achieved.

i never used to wear a watch, I could never find a standard one that fit around my chunky wrists. I now have a gorgeous pink Oasis watch that I bought in November which is even a little loose It’s those little changes that have made all the difference to me.

The changes might not seem much to anyone else but they are huge to me.

Who am I kidding?

So much for a new year new start. I have so far managed to hide behind a falsehood of smiles and giggles yet in the darkness of my room have cried.

2011 has indeed brought changes. Stuart has terminated the friendship and expects me to be huddled in a corner crying and self harming, but anyone who dumps someone via email really isn't worth my tears. :o)

Ste and G as lovely as they are can't be there. And my other friends seem like they are pushing me away.

I shall not be destroyed though. As Ben tells me I am awesome. If other people can't see that, then that's not my problem. I just wish I could see the awesomeness too.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

why

I'm not sure why it is I cry so much. It's not even your fault, it just seems a little one sided sometimes. You need me and I drop it all for you. I'm still struggling and I don't always let on, and even though I know you are there I wish you were there more.
I feel like I'm losing you again and I don't like it. :(

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5