2010 started for me on a low, my grandparents were in Australia, I didn’t sleep and I lived off crisps and nothing more thanks to the kind people at Walkers Twitter HQ. In February I took a stand and joined Slimming World and whilst everyone thought oh here she goes again, 7 stone later I proved them wrong. I got the all clear to go without steroids after my op, I got splints for my wrists and I made a start. I started to grow closer to a friend I had pushed away and I finished my A levels. I went to Zante and I enjoyed the sun. I learnt to trust men again and I now have the bestest friend in the world. He moved to Leeds and helped to rebuild bits of me that were lost long ago.I’m now happy to have my photograph taken when before I was ashamed of who I was. I found the courage to go back into work albeit as a christmas temp but it was a positive step. Sure 2010 threw some real shit at me, but it gave me some wonderful things too. Here is to another amazing 12 months x
That it doesn’t hurt to know that I am not enough. To know that try as I might I will never give you all the happiness and smiles that you deserve.
I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt to know you are in inner turmoil.
I won’t pretend that I don’t struggle to say make your own mind up instead of screaming ‘pick me’
But I don’t need to pretend that I will always be here, I can say that with certainty and with passion and with love. Times have been hard, times have been shit but they brought me to a new place and I wouldn’t swap that place for a million pounds. It might not always be happy and smiles it might even involve tears at times, but I know that having you as my friend was worth all the battles and trouble in the end.
I can handle the world, when I know your by my side.
Today has been a mixture of emotions; good to bad, happy to sad.
It was my last day at Clinton’s today, having spent the last 3 years convincing myself that I didn’t want to work, that I couldn’t work because of my back, I have shocked myself, because I absolutely loved working again, it was something fresh and new and enjoyable and I am going to miss it. It gave me routine and a reason to get up and out of the house but it also allowed me to be me, and be bubbly and chatty and to have a giggle .
After work I went to my Uncle’s Wake. I didn’t attend the funeral, I haven’t quite decided yet whether that makes me a bad person or not but I know that I am not strong enough for that, and that it would cause me turmoil in the long run. I still wanted to show my respects so I sent some flowers and attended the wake, it was lovely to catch up with family who I haven’t seen for a while. Even if my mum was drunk and my cousin Kim cried and my nan cried too. I can handle most things but seeing my nan cry breaks my heart every time. I have never been to a wake before and whilst I expected the tears I didn’t expect the laughter that came as we talked about my uncles rubbish driving and how journeys with him were like white knuckle terror rides. It stopped as soon as we were all in our cars, most people know I am a spiritualist and I really do feel like it was a sign of him saying goodbye.
I am home now feeling just empty. On an opposite to the emotion I have also been given a job interview at Sainsbury’s in the new year, i didn’t answer the call but the guy left a voicemail, I suppose that’s a positive. .
Until we meet again, I will carry you in my heart forever x
God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be
so he put his arms around you
and whispered,
“Come to Me”
With tearful eyes we watched you
and saw you pass away
and although we love you dearly
we could not make you stay.
A Golden heart stopped beating
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us
he only takes the best
Today has been a good day and also a day tinged with sadness.
To start with today is day one of the spa trip that I won. After a few issues with the trains we finally made it to Champneys Springs and were given a tour of the building shown to our room before our first treatment. The water is full of minerals and salts and then jets work on problem areas of your body such as stomach and thighs, to break down the toxins. It felt amazing although I am a water baby anyway and love to be in the pool.
We then went for our evening meal in the restaurant. Starter was Plaice and Salmon roulade with king prawns and lemon with herb dressing. Main meal was sliced chicken breast on a bed of basil mash with baby corn and red wine jus. Pudding was apple and berry crumble with a vanilla cream sauce. All was lovely.
I am now laid in bed feeling tired, lonely and a little bit down in the dumps. Some of you remember a few weeks ago my uncle had a stroke, things were looking up and whilst he still had no feeling and mobility he was alert and talking and happy and joking. Things however took a turn for the worse last night when he had another major stroke. The doctors have now decided to withdraw any medical treatment and we have been told he will not make it through the weekend. He is an amazing man who I am proud to have had in my life, its just so hard to try and enjoy myself when I know that when I get back home he may not be there anymore x