How does it feel?….

Someone asked me today how does it feel knowing my best friend cared so little that he could end the friendship the way he did. How does it feel to know that at that moment in time they didn’t care how they hurt me or if they hurt me at all. Truth is it doesn’t feel like anything.

At the end of the day, I have been the best friend I could possibly be. I was always there for them, I always listened. I went out of my way for them, and when they needed me I was there no matter what. I know that I did my best by them. So I leave the friendship with no regrets at all.

Only feeling I have for them is disappointment that they could disrespect my grandparents enough to bang on the door the way they did after my grandparents were so welcoming and nice to him.

How does it feel? It feels nice, it feels free.

Here I am.

The weekend has been a strange but slightly perfect one. It has consisted of tears and tantrums, truths, revelations and an openness I had forgotten about as I revealed my fears and insecurities to my best friend. At one point last week I thought we had lost it all, all because of hear say and stubbornness. But after a weekend with him I’ve realised some things are worth fighting for, his friendship is one of them. I also learnt that I don’t need to hide my fears and doubts from him, he doesn’t judge me for them, he accepts me on a whole, as I am, and as I intend to be.

No Sensitivity

“You don't have to scream to say something that you honestly mean
the world won't turn without you
and I am amazed you're standing still
your problems, they aren't problems
be glad they never will
I'm taking my kisses back
I want my kisses back from you
when you hear those footsteps calling
it's O.K. if you don't answer
isn't it obvious?
I thought it was obvious.”

I am in the foulest of foul moods, as a great quote says “You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?” Well when the people doing the weighing and the measuring and the judging of you are supposed to be friends of yours, it beats you pretty damn badly.

As many of you will know, Squidge is my best friend, at one point I was head over heels in love with him, he was the first male other than family that I had trusted in a long time and I think that took over my feelings, but after spending time with him and developing the fantastic friendship we have/had I realised I wasn’t in love with him but I do love him and I do care about him. And anyone who knows me knows that if I care about you and count you as a friend I will do anything for you, only I’m not allowed to do that with Squidge. I’m not allowed to care. If I care people judge and then run gossiping to him that I am in love with him or I’m lying to him about how I feel.

These people that have judged and gossiped and made him doubt me, seem to forget that they only see the tiny little part of me that I let them see. They don’t realise I don’t publicise every little detail on facebook or msn or anywhere else. They don’t realise that in the time me and Squidge have been best friends I have been in a relationship, albeit short due to the fact the guy was a bit of a nutter, or that I am outgoing and confident and go out and dance with guys and chat to guys and flirt and be happy and bubbly. If I was that hung up on Squidge and that desperate for him then why the hell would I do that?

Since when was a lass not allowed to have a male friend without there being an ulterior motive? Why can I not just enjoy his company and spending time with him and love how he makes me feel? I’ve not got a manipulative bone in my body and I don’t play games. So if you want to judge me go ahead, say all you have to say, think all you have to think. At the end of the day – I am me, I like being me, I will keep being me, and I ain’t ever going to change, so if you don’t like it you can kiss my arse and piss off!!

My wish for you…

This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.

Friday night and I’m alright.

Friday’s are normally a difficult day for me, I’m normally hungover and tired and thinking that it’s shit being stuck in the house when everyone else my age is out and about in town, that I can’t possibly top the night befores fun and laughter. For once I was wrong.

Admittedly I feel like shit, I’m full of the lurgy and it’s not nice, but I’m not hungover, I’m not alone and I’m not dwelling on how crap tonight is because it’s not. I have my best friend here staying with me, I was meant to make him some tea but considering I am full of germs and he has a new job to start on Monday it’s probably for the best that he settled on a couple of bags of crisps while I chomped on raw carrot. ( yes I am strange)

We have done bugger all excitement wise but sprawl on the sofa watching tv with me dozing in and out of states of delirium, sleep and consciousness. Sometimes that’s all you need though. A hug with someone you care about and a lazy night in on the sofa under a duvet.

It’s been lovely having him here, even more so cos I’ve managed to scare myself by seeing that someone has opened the gate and the garden security light is on, but at least I’ve got big bad squidge to scare any burglars off (in all honesty i think i am the scary one, especially looking how I do at the minute!!!) it’s sad knowing that he will have to scoot off tomorrow but at least he is only a text away and I know he is there if I do need him. Just like I hope he knows I am here if he needs me.

So this is it, it’s Friday night and whilst I feel like shite, I’m alright. I’m happy and smiling and glad for what I have xxx

Lose my mind

They say that time
Heals everything
But they don't know you
And the scars you bring
'Cos you left a jagged hole
And I can't stand it anymore
If heartache was a physical pain
I could face it I could face it
But you're hurting me
From inside of my head
I can't take it I can't take it
I'm gonna lose my mind
I'd erase my thoughts
If only I knew how
Fill my head with white noise
If it would drown you out
Kill the sound
If heartache was a physical pain
I could face it I could face it
But you're hurting me
From inside of my head
I can't take it I can't take it
I'm gonna lose my mind
And I'd rather be crazy
I'd rather go insane
Than having you stalk
My every thought
Then having you here inside my heart
If heartache was a physical pain
I could face it I could face it
But you're hurting me
From inside of my head
I can't take it I can't take it
I'm gonna lose my mind

And as you tip toe

And as you tiptoe off to bed, I’ll listen at your door,

for sighs and dreams and grandads snores.

I don’t begrudge you holidays or seeing Auntie Nick

I just know that I’m going to struggle with you gone

and 2 months seems so long.

The pair of you mean so much to me

your like my mum and dad

and even when the world seems bad

your there to hold my hand

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I still remember the last time my grandparents went away. I didn’t eat for a week and I didn’t sleep either. I sunk into myself and I closed off and I thought I might find it easier this time around cos I’m a lot stronger but how do you cope when your support network is on the other side of the world and your there alone?