I am going away for a while
I'll be back don't try and follow me
I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm tryin' to find my place
It might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes,
And run from them
With no direction
We'll run from them
With no conviction

It’s that time of the year again where my mood plummets and I get down and lonely and miserable, and where the world sucks. It’s easy to blame it on my depression, but it isn’t just depression that is to blame. I am pretty sure I have SAD (Seasonal anxiety disorder) there are so many things related to this time of year that I cannot help but dwell on them, and like ghosts they haunt me every year.

Theres the xmas of 2003 when at only just 16 my parents allowed me to drink 10 pints of lager then they left me in the pub with their friends while they went home. One of my stepdads friends offered to walk me home as I was a little worse for where, needless to say we didn’t walk towards my house but towards his, where he then tried it on. Despite me not doing anything and sharply sobering up and heading home, my mum didn’t believe me and punched me in the face, telling me I had ruined christmas. From then on I was a disappointment and labelled a slag by my step dad.

The following November I had gone to live with Ste by then. It was the first time he ever hit me and I remember it clearly, him punching me and then throwing the vacuum cleaner at me, he then told me to get out of the house and so my grandparents came to pick me up, despite the blueish tint on one side of my face, nobody knew he had hit me. A couple of weeks later I was admitted to hospital with an ovarian cyst and internal bleeding. It was then that I was told I needed my ovary and fallopian tube removed. I was 17 and heartbroken, even more so when they announced that there was extensive damage and they didn’t think I would be able to have children. I had my operation on the 1st December and because I am a stubborn cow who refuses to be ill I was discharged on the 3rd December. How strange to think that all that was 6 years ago.

Despite the fact I had only just gotten out of hospital, and despite the fact I had over 40 staples in my stomach, things didn’t ease off at home and the abuse was still just as bad. On christmas eve my Dad turned up and threw an envelope full of money at me and that was the last time I saw him until just before my 21st birthday. That was the first christmas away from my little brother and I so wanted to go spend it with him and see him open all his presents but I was told no I was not allowed, I had chosen Ste and so that was it.

Christmas in 2005 was one which was filled with tears and depression. Having lost J I was faced with the fact conceiving and carrying a child was something which was unlikely to ever happen, and instead of being heavily pregnant I was empty and hollow. The abuse from Ste still continued and at one point, despite how far apart emotionally we are my mum had to come and rescue me as Ste went beserk attacking me with garden secateurs and an axe as well as his fists. My grandparents had gone to Australia and I went to stay in their house so I could be close to Spud for christmas. At the same time I was having problems with my neighbours where they had tried to set the flat on fire,  by putting a wheelie bin in front on my front door and setting it alight. I had no escape and no release and was quite possibly at the lowest I had ever been at that point.

Moving on to Christmas 2006 I had seperated from Ste and was living in a bedsit in Bradford. I was socialising a hell of a lot and drinking way too much. I won’t deny it either but not long after hitting this low I was taking pills and snorting coke as well. It’s not something I am proud of but it was one of the only ways I could cope. I was a walking time bomb and was soon likely to explode. My grandparents had again gone to Australia and this time I didn’t just stay over at their house, this time I rang up and I asked to move in permanent. I needed to be around people who cared and who could help me get myself back on track and I knew that the only people who would be able to help was my grandparents, how right I was. I spent that christmas with my mum and Dave, who as per usual got drunk and abusive, and that was one of my first mistakes. I sneaked upstairs and I rang Ste, I told him how much I missed him and 2 days later I was back with him. Our relationship was short lived as he decided to sleep with Siobhan, something which I knew about long before I think either of them did.  I continued to see him and we would take drugs together and get drunk. Then I ended up in hospital with pancreatitis and was told I had 12 hours to live. That was a sobering moment which scared me half to death. Several weeks spent in hospital an operation and I had learnt my lesson and have never touched drugs since, and I never will either.

2007 I had stopped working and was faced with the prospect of having no money and no ambition. With amazing timing the debt collectors had started to chase me and I was spiralling out of control again. Self harming was becoming a regular occurrence and instead of using drugs as my choice of self abuse I used sex, I let people who I thought were friends play with my mind and use me for their own personal gain. I started spending a lot of time in Hull trying desperately to escape and yet nothing helped.

In 2008 I had regained contact with my Dad and things were finally looking up Smile I was in college, I was studying I was getting myself back on track. It wasn’t a brilliant christmas but it was better than some of the ones I had previously had. I am not going to keep going on, this wasn’t meant as a woe is me post but as a this is me please understand. I’m not making excuses for being who I am or the way, nor am I asking for sympathy,  I am just hoping that with a little insight into why I am like I am you will not judge me and will understand why when the cold sets in so does the darkness, because I don’t remember a winter where I was truly happy and I am scared that I will never experience one again.



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