I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid
A thousand nights or more
I travel east and north
Please answer the door
Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
Get down on your knees
Whisper what I need
Something pretty
Something pretty
I feel that when I'm old
I'll look at you and know
The world was beautiful
Then you tell me...
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me
I'm done, there's nothing left to show
I try but can't let it go
Are you happy where you're standing still?
Do you really want the sugar pill?
I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll start
Tonight it feels so hard
As the train approaches Gare Du Nord
As I'm sure your kiss remains employed
Am I only dreaming?
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there
When you go, I'll let you be
But you're killing everything in me

Are you gonna
Live your life wonderin’
Standing in the back
Lookin’ around?
Are you gonna
Waste your time
Thinkin' how you’ve grown up
Or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna
Be the way you want
Where's it gonna
Get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna
Be quite what you want
Or even at 25
You gotta start sometime
I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
Now all I need is just
To hear a song I know
I wanna always feel like
Part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight

Your words cut rather deeply,
They're just some other lies
I'm hiding from a distance,
I've got to pay the price
Defending all against it,
I really don't know why
You're obsessed with all my secrets,
You always make me cry
You seem to wanna hurt me
No matter what I do
I'm telling just a couple,
But somehow it gets to you
But I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me, kinda invisible…
You don't sense my stay
Not truly hiding, not like a shadow
Just thought I would join you for one day
I'm sitting down here,
But hey you can't see me
I'm not trying to avoid you,
Just don't wanna hear your voice
When you call me up so often,
I don't really have a choice
You're talking like you know me
And wanna be my friend
But that's really too late now,
I won't try it once again
You may think that I'm loser,
That I don't really care
You may think that it's forgotten,
But you should be aware
Cause I've learned to get revenge
And I swear you'll experience that some day

We all have our insecurities, some more than others. I had done pretty well with my insecurities until recently, when my vulnerabilities have resurfaced.

I’m not quite sure what brought it on, maybe it’s because I have been a little under the weather and a little over tired (Think I managed 10 hours sleep in the past 7 days) and so I am emotional and stressy. Add to that a small argument which saw me reveal some of my inner most thoughts and feelings about my own problems, I find myself requiring constant contact and reassurance. I know I am being a pain in the arse, but I am a worrier anyway and the kind of person who replies to a text in 30 seconds, I know that’s not possible for everyone else, but I find myself now worrying that my constant pestering is probably annoying the fuck out of my friend and beginning to suffocate them putting them off spending time or talking to me. They have already told me they struggle to just talk for the sake of it with me, but right now that’s what I need.

My best friend thinks I am doing really well with my self confidence because I have started talking to old friends again, how wrong they may be. I have reaffirmed my self with people who I do care about and who I know are having problems. I am trying my best to help them with their problems to keep me from worrying about myself or my own problems. I am trying to keep myself busy because I know all too well that if you leave me to my own devices I am my own worst enemy and can destroy myself in seconds. The contact with old friends has been refreshing though to say the least, for the first time in a long while I have felt I don’t need to put all my shit on squidge when he has his own problems. Yet now I have played mender and fixer nobody has the time for me again and I am back to a low point, feeling lonely and over thinking and over-analysing things. :(

I just want to apologise for being such a pain in the arse, I don’t purposefully set out to be that way, but I need someone to be there for me right now, even if it’s just for a hug or a stupid text message to put a smile on my face. I don’t expect you to give me the world, you already are my world and mean so much to me and I’m sorry I’m so shit x

This Monday has been an eventful one, but has by far got to be one of my most favourite Mondays, ever!

This morning I had a job interview for Halfords, it’s part time and I don’t know much about bikes and cars but I’m a quick learner and the job seems perfect for me. I am hoping that the good vibe I got is genuine and should find out on Friday if I got the job or not.

Then it was on a bus to town, i paid for a day rider and he had no paper roll in his machine so gave me a written ticket which on closer inspection turned out to be a single, so I was royally buggered. Then the bus broke down and I had to get a different one so had to buy a proper day rider this time. It was a bit busy and i got barged and ended up hurting my hip, and when you have poorly joints and bones like mine, believe me it hurts.

Ok, I hear you, your wondering why it was so amazing? Well I shall tell you. When I was 14 my dad used to make me cd’s with different artists on. Always rock music types like Blink 182 etc, and the one which became a favourite was Jimmy Eat World. Tonight they played Leeds O2 Academy and I got to go, albeit alone. In the queue I got talking to two lasses Lucy and Leigh who kept me company for the start of the gig.

As Jimmy Eat World came on to the stage there was a surge of people and we got separated, but its ok. The energy in the room was electric with people jumping and diving around loving the music. Let me warn you though, unless your a tough cookie avoid the front middle, I didn’t and I got a bit bashed about but it’s all good. They sung a great mix of their old songs and new ones.

The one song that means the most to me was played live, and it’s the most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life. When Ben died and I lost Joshua i took solace in a song called Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World, I quote it a lot but nothing prepared me for tonight. There was something so wonderful about being up close and hearing the group sing those lyrics which meant so much to me, that I found my heart breaking and the tears pouring. At that moment I was glad I was alone, sure there were hundreds of other people in the building, and a few probably had a similar connection with the song but for those 5 minutes I was alone in the place with my emotions and the song, and it was the most spine tingling, breath taking thing I have experienced. I never in a million years thought I would get to experience the song being sung live and I kinda feel like I can let go a little now. I don’t need to feel guilt, but it’s good to feel this amazing sense of relief and passion and love.

I took some pictures and a video, I am hoping they came out ok, I am physically and emotionally exhausted, yet the happiest I have been  in a long long time……..So thank you Jimmy Eat World, you just made my year.


I had intended to write a blog post about how much I hate my body but after reading it and showing it to S I decided against it, as I sat down and calmed down and re-evaluated my feelings and it’s not that I hate myself, it’s that i hate how other people may look at me and judge me. I hate that I care so much about other peoples opinions instead of my own, I have my faults but who doesn’t.

My slimming world consultant would like me to apply to be in the magazine. Something which brings both pride and absolute dread. I am proud of how far I have come on my weight loss journey but am also hugely aware of how far I still have to go. Many people think I am vain because of my posy pictures on facebook, they don’t realise that those few pictures come from almost 7 years of not liking the way I look and not being proud of my pictures, they also don’t realise that those 3 profile pictures are out of over 100 pictures taken. This is where the dread comes in, I don’t have very much confidence and the thought of having my pictures, both before and after in a magazine and having them scrutinized by others petrifies me.

I have a before picture and today I took another picture of me in the same pose, and i couldn’t see a difference, from size 28 to 20 but I couldn’t tell. I was gutted to say the least, and i sat and cried and hated myself, repulsed that there was no difference, but there was. I am so used to being fat, that when I look in the mirror I still see the fat person that I was. I am still fat but not so much.

As humans, we are our own worst critics, where others see perfections and qualities, we see faults and flaws.

I am not perfect and never will be, but my imperfections make me who i am, and hopefully just being me is enough. If people can’t accept me for who I am then bully for them, because I am sure that those who are in my life and who are important to me will testify that although slightly neurotic at times I am selfless, loving and caring, and do all I can for those i love, and being a size 20 or a size 10 will not change that.

I am a huge fan of a website called Ravens Rants. Raven, writes and publishes the most beautiful poetry and I would like to share a couple of my favourites.

In The Dark

There are times when I’m inconsolable
when the world around me becomes too much
and my demons come out to feast on me again
There are times when I’m hopeless
when I’m too lost to return home
and I don’t need your comforting touch
I just need to be left alone to sit quietly in the dark

Don’t offer me a friendly hand
nor a tender embrace of love
Just let me surround myself with shadows
and let my troubles eat me whole
Don’t try to save me when I can’t be saved
and keep your tender words for another day
a day when the tides of my heart have changed
and my soul flows the other way

But until that time remember that I love you
and that you’re still the keeper of my heart
but for the moment love is not my friend
and your tender touch and sweetest smile
are like poison to my aching soul
So let me be
Let me sit alone in the dark
Let me find comfort in forgotten lusts
Let me bandage my heart with solitude
and dry my tears with time

I know that you understand
and I pray that you’ll return
Because I long for when I can emerge from these shadows
and once again cherish the smile glistening
across your sweet, tender face


Where Are You Now?

Sometimes I think of you
and wonder where you are
and if you think of me on lonely nights
or dream about me when there's nothing left to dream
I don't expect you to miss me
and I know the phone will never ring
with your voice hanging on the other line
but I have to know
if I'm in your thoughts
or if you forgot about me
like you promised you never would
I can't bear the thought
of what we shared
being nothing than a footnote
in a forgotten chapter of your life
and even though I only think of you
during the loneliest hours of the night
Part of me is still hoping
that you're thinking of me
when I'm busy not thinking of you
So shed not a tear for what we lost
nor heave a sigh for what could have been
Just let me grace your thoughts
when the night hangs long and low
and everything will be right when we awake
in the worlds we've created
in the many years we've been apart



How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you always look the other way
Finding imperfections
with every living breath
feeding yourself deceit
every night as you lie in bed

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you see only flaws in the diamond
and not the sparkle that it holds
You judge yourself with consequence
tearing down what nature built
and turning it into darkness cold

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when you don't look into the mirror
save with tear-streaked eyes
How can you see yourself as I do
when you're peering through a looking glass
warped by doubt and loathing
brewed within your mind

How can I show you
that you are beautiful
when your beauty is just too much
and leaves me lost for words
choking on every thought
while trying to explain something so clear
that it is written all over your face

How can I show you
that you're beautiful
when the world is not enough
and a million voices
fail to change your song
unable to silence
the doubt that beats away

No I can't show you
that you're beautiful
No matter how hard I try
But I'll whisper it to you every night
as you drift off to sleep
and hope that one morning
you'll wake up with eyes wide open
and see yourself as I do

A perfect diamond
A stunning reflection
and a ray of sun
piercing my own darkness
taking the clouds away


There are many many more of his poems which I adore but these are just a couple of my favourites, i do hope you enjoy xxxx

 As some of you may know I got a new computer a couple of months ago whilst my Macbook was repaired, it since has been repaired but I lent it to a very good friend to use for a little while and continued with my new trusty toy. A Dell Mini Inspiron.


Now despite the fact I have had this a couple of months I have never really explored it’s potential. I guess I’m a Mac baby at heart and so used to what that had to offer that I found the Windows 7 system a little blah! Well today I have had a fiddle (don’t worry Simon I haven’t broken anything, yet!) and I found a program on the computer which rather than having me log in to and make my posts on there I can simply type it all up, save it if I like ready for future publishings and voila it is simple. It’s also a lot bloody easier to navigate than the blogger system is, which whilst good can be annoying slow and tedious.


so this post is a bit of a test, but also a woohoo, I may be open to change afterall.


Ikkle x

Image courtesy of A.Wall